Love

I Love, Therefore You Are : Why the modern search for self ends in despair.

Mark Galli posted 6/28/2007 08:41AM

Christianity Today

In a recent issue of The New Yorker, you can find a cartoon (see attached) with a couple sitting on a couch. One says to the other, "I don't want to be defined by who I am."

The line is so human and so modern. The human part is what makes it funny: Often, when we discover who we are, we want to deny it. But it's the modern part that most interests me: that relentless search for self, the yearning to know who I am.

As with so much of modernity, this is a highly individualistic quest, and as such, it is a pointless quest. Not because the search for meaning is pointless, but because the context of modernity—the individual—is a myth.

The myth becomes apparent when we start considering who we are from a biblical and Trinitarian perspective. Both the rigors of orthodox theology and the plain sense of New Testament passages reveal that the Trinity is not merely a formal and logical explanation of God's inner essence. It points to a reality that spills over into the universe. The reality is exposed ever so briefly by Jesus when, in praying for his disciples he says:



The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me … . I made known to them your name, and I will continue to make it known, that the love with which you have loved me may be in them, and I in them." (John 17:22, 26).


The formal doctrine of the Trinity, then, helps us grasp the nature of divine love.



First, it makes it clear that God's love for us cannot be based on his need for love and fellowship—as if we were necessary for a God of love to be complete. One hears this sort of silliness now and then, but it cannot be true of the Trinitarian God. This God has known love, and perfect love at that, from before the creation of time and space—love swirling between the Father and Son and Spirit. God created us not because he had to have someone to love to be self-fulfilled as God, but because the love of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit bubbled over into creation.



Given the type of love we reciprocate with—something rather paltry—this is a remarkable grace. God is slumming when he loves us. He doesn't need our imitation of perfect love, yet he reaches out, wanting us to grab his hand, simply because, well, he wants to.



Second, it sheds light on the modern question about who we are. For this Trinity-in-love, this Loving Trinity, is the God in whose image we have been created. If loving communion is at the core of the Trinity, it is also at the core of who we are.

Since the Enlightenment, we in the West have thought of ourselves mostly as solitary individuals, and individuals mostly defined by mind, by intellect. As Descartes put it, "I think, therefore I am."

This insight has blessed the Western world in many ways, but it has cursed us as well. It has led to an excruciating loneliness, which nineteenth and twentieth-century existentialists (Camus and Sartre, among others) articulated so powerfully. In the twenty-first century, it has led to deep despair, as expressed by many postmodern philosophers. When we take the individual as the starting point, we can find no way to satisfy the basic yearning of the human heart, which has been created for communion.



The biblical starting point, by contrast, says, "I love, therefore you are. You love, therefore I am." Our existence begins not with the solitary individual ruminating alone about the core of human identity, but with the creation of two people in relationship: "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them" (Gen. 1.27).



The question "Who am I" cannot be answered without first answering the question "Who are we?" We cannot conceive of ourselves (without stumbling into mere abstraction or doing violence to who we are) until we conceive of the other. At a very practical level, no human life can survive without the reciprocation of love.



Thus, our primary duty in life is not to find ourselves, to develop our gifts, or to make sense of life. Instead, we are called to love others so that they can come into existence, while they do the same for us.



That includes the miracle of creating babies, but it also means we can bring already breathing beings into existence. A simple example: As a teenager, my church youth director told me he wanted me to prepare a devotional for one of our weekly meetings. I objected, saying I was not ready or capable of doing so. He said I was being silly, that I was indeed ready, and insisted I prepare the devotional. I've had many such encounters in my life, when people have seen something in me that I have not seen in myself, and they have called it forth, out of the chaos. They have created me, that is, made me who I am today.



Sharing a meal or conversation, even sitting in silence with another, are acts that validate the existence of the other. Even we introverts recognize that life would be unbearable—I mean this literally; I would likely commit suicide—if we didn't have people in our lives. People like me may find it difficult to create or sustain intimacy, but because intimacy is available to entice (and frighten!) me, my life is not only bearable but also possible.



This all starts from the fact that we are first loved by God into existence, an existence framed by the Trinity-in-love, the image into which we have been created. Thus, we share in the mission of this Trinity, which is to create and sustain other beings in love.



That is not only our mission, but also our very identity: beings in relationship, beings defined by love. Because to love is to suffer, we might not want to be defined by this! But Jesus never said "abundant life" would be an easy life, only a blessed one.

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http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2007/juneweb-only/126-42.0.html

Mark Galli is managing editor of Christianity Today and author of Jesus Mean and Wild: The Unexpected Love of an Untameable God (Baker 2007). You can respond to this column below, or on his blog.

Love Is A Process

"I left because there was no room for me. But you could tell me not to go. Say it to me. Tell me not to go." ~ Stephen Sondheim, Sunday in the Park with George

To leave someone we love is to knowingly break a vital connection. Even if we chose to leave, we wonder why it often hurts so much. But the heart isn't logical; it feels the trauma of the loss and the responsibility of being the one to say good-bye.

Love is a process; it doesn't end because we say good-bye. No matter how painful or harmful a relationship was, there were good things about it, just as there were lovable things about the other person. The challenge is to accept with grace the choice we've made and to forgive whatever hurt we've received. We can refuse to indulge in self-righteousness or indignation. Those feelings are born out of the illusion of power that comes with being the one who leaves. Most of all, we can grieve the loss and then let go of the person we loved so that we can heal.

Love versus Isolation

"Love itself is not an act of will, but sometimes I need the force of my volition to break with my habitual responses and pass along the love already here." ~ Hugh Prather

The familiarity of isolation is both haunting and inviting. In our separateness we contemplate the joys of shared hours with others while seeking the freedom from the pain that likewise hovers on the heels of intimate relationships. The question eternally whispering around our souls is, "Do I dare let you in, to share my space, to know my heart's longing, to feel my fears?" Only when we trust to say yes will we find the peace our souls long for.

Passage through the doors that separate us frees us to change, to grow, to love ourselves and others. We must plant our feet in the soil of shared lives to quiet our longing.

Amazing Art Pieces by an up and coming artist

The art portfolio of Jordan Blakey. Some of these pieces are jaw dropping. He has an art show on June 22 in Dallas at the Starbucks at Dalrock and 66. This guy is freakin good



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Changing Myself Is Enough

I can change only myself, but sometimes that is enough. ~ Ruth Humlecker

Happiness is more fleeting for some of us than for others. We may ponder this notion but fail to grasp the reason. However, careful attention to how "the happy ones" go through life will enlighten us. We will note how seldom they complain about others' actions. We will discover their willingness to accept others as they are. We will see that their attention is generally on the positive aspects of people and circumstances rather than on the negative.

We can join the parade of "happy ones" by letting go of our need to change people and situations that disturb us. Even when we are certain other people are wrong, we can let go of controlling them. Doing this means changing ourselves, of course. But this is the one thing in life we do have control over.

Night of Music Legends: Art by Jordan Blakey

An art show of paintings & photography by Jordan Blakey at the Starbucks in Rowlett. Theme will be rock stars!Paintings of Hendrix, Bob Marley, John Lennon, Freddy Murcury, Johnny Cash, and even some modern rockers like Brandon Boyd, 2D - from Gorillaz, John Mayer.

Recognizing & Eliminating Your Typical Distractions & Time Wasters

Checking email too often
There is some research that indicates that switching tasks or multi-tasking takes time as the brain adjusts to the new activity. If you are an addictive or compulsive email checker, consider doing an experiment to decrease the time spent checking your email:
- Limit checking your email to the Dr. Pepper pattern: 10-2-4. If you can manage, go down to 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. Then to once a day.
- Turn off the audible or visual indicator for new mail arriving.
- Set up automatic emails (autoresponderers) or websites to handle most repetitive inquiries. See an example of a site that I set up for the organizers of my workshops to get what they need from me at http://www.possibill.com/sponsors. This has saved me about 12 hours a month.
- Get off any mailing lists you no longer read, including this one Life's too short. Or gently ask the person who sends you all those political or humor emails to take you off their list, citing the desire to spend less time on the computer and more time living your life or spending time with your loved ones.

Surfing websites or the web too much
Here are some strategies to decrease your web surfing time. Learn more efficient web surfing. The few minutes you put in to this can save you hours of time each year. I learned one strategy (how to search a site I am on for the particular phrase of word I am looking for by choosing a menu command (it's usually under the Edit menu and is the "Find" or "Find on this page" option. This has saved me hours of time this year. Identify the sites you visit often and think clearly about the value vs. time spent equation. Are those funny YouTube videos really adding to the quality of your life? When I examined this area, I found I was visiting Macintosh rumor sites regularly. Ridiculous waste of time which added little value.

Watching mindless television shows
Do you really care who can dance or sing better than others? Or have you been led to care by clever television executives? At the end of the year, is the quality of your life better due to the television you have watched or not? Try going for a walk with a friend . Exercise and friendship have been show to be positively correlated with happiness. Do an experiment and skip one night of television a week to try something different.

Reading fluff magazines
What magazines do you read regularly? Are they really worth it? Try skipping a few weeks of your typical magazines or letting your subscriptions lapse. Then examine your feelings and decide which, if any, you want to continue.

Other time wasters or habits
Honestly examine any typical habits or things you do for their time wasting vs. providing value ratio. Do experiments limiting the time you spend doing them (you might use a kitchen timer) or stopping them for a short time to examine the change in the quality of your life or the time you have available to do things you have been wanting to do; pursue a neglected hobby; spend more time exercising; spend more time with your family; finally write that book you have been wanting to write; and so on.

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Bill O’Hanlon, M.S., Possibilities, 223 N. Guadalupe #278, Santa Fe, NM 87501 USA 800.381.2374; Fax# 505.983.2761; PossiBill@brieftherapy.com; http://www.brieftherapy.com/

Our Flowers

"The human brain forgets ninety percent of what goes on. "  ~ Jan Milner

There were two women who shared a house and raised their daughters, two toddlers, together. Then one of the women got transferred to another city and moved with her daughter.

Ten years later, they had a reunion. The mothers asked their kids what they remembered about living together. Did they remember all the books? No. Did they remember a mom in the kitchen every morning, fixing eggs and toast? No.

What they remembered was playing in the pink bathtub for hours, pulling the pink shower curtain shut for privacy. And the morning the mothers sneaked in, turned off the lights, threw plastic cups and spoons over the curtain and cried, "It's raining spoons!" They laughed and laughed.

We are lucky in this life--our minds think laughter is what's worth remembering.

Unconditional Love...

"Unconditional love corresponds to one of the deepest longings, not only of the child, but of every human being." ~ Erich Fromm

Feeling the need to be perfect to ensure we'll be loved is as familiar as the robin's whistle heralding spring. Am I too fat to be loved? Do people think I'm dumb when I speak out? Mistakenly, we feel unique in our struggles with our fears of inadequacy, thus we fail to find comfort among friends and strangers who share our selected fears.

If we could understand our sameness with others, we'd be able to feel the gentle urging within to acknowledge their presence, their smiles, and their messages, which are assuredly meant for our ears only. Their desire, like our own, is for the promise of love.

You Will Find What You Seek

"The principle of life is that life responds by corresponding; your life becomes the thing you have decided it shall be." ~ Raymond Charles Barker

The attitude that we carry with us into a particular setting will greatly influence our perceptions of any event. Our attitude also influences, positively or negatively, personal interactions, and not just those involving ourselves. The effect of our message is this: our personal power is profound. We have explicit control over our own perceptions. We determine our own attitudes. Every moment of our lives we are deciding what we want to see, to think, to feel. And reflections will inform us that our expectations are firmly fulfilled.

How exhilarating to become aware of our freedom to think and to feel as we wish. However, with this freedom comes responsibility. We're barred from blaming others for our troubles. Each of us is charged with the responsibility for deciding our own fate. How we prepare ourselves for this experience or this day is individually chosen. Every minute we are in control of our perceptions, our attitudes, and our responses.

The Ant & The Grasshopper...revisited

THE CLASSIC VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. THE END

THE CANADIAN VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

So far, so good, eh?

Then, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving. The CBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food. Canadians are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

The NDP, the CAW and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The CBC, interrupting an Inuit cultural festival special from Nunavut with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome." Sven Robinson rants in an interview with Pamela Wallin that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share". In response to polls, the Liberal Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

The ant moves to the US, and starts a successful agribiz company.

The CBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it. Inadequate government funding is blamed, Roy Romanow is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost $10,000,000.

The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Toronto Star blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity.

The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Canada's multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a marijuana grow op and terrorize the community. THE END

Letting Resentments Go

Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." ~ Carrie Fisher

Resentments are sneaky, tricky little things. They can convince us they're justified. They can dry up our hearts. They can sabotage our happiness. They can sabotage love.

Most of us have been at the receiving end of an injustice at some time in our lives. Most of us know someone who's complained of an injustice we've done to him or her. Life can be a breeding ground for resentments, if we let it.

"Yes, but this time I really was wronged," we complain.

Maybe you were. But harboring resentment isn't the solution. If it were, our resentment list would resemble the Los Angeles telephone directory. Deal with your feelings. Learn whatever lesson is at hand. Then let the feelings go.

Resentments are a coping behavior, a tool of someone settling for survival in life. They're a form or revenge. The problem is, no matter whom we're resenting, the anger is ultimately directed against ourselves.

Take a moment. Search your heart. Have you tricked yourself into harboring resentment? If you have, take another moment and let that resentment go.

Remembering to Love

"One of the attributes of love . . . is to bring harmony and order out of chaos." ~ Molly Haskell

Have we forgotten how to love in our hurried passage through life? Perhaps we need reminding that love focuses our attention and guides our direction. Our actions aren't hurried and our feelings aren't confused and unraveled when we're loving others and ourselves. Love offers form and enhancement to each moment.

When we experience the love of another, we remember our importance, and theirs, to the circle of life, and we feel encouraged, at times even impelled, to share the enchantment of love with someone new.

When the day's frantic activities crowd the heart's silent places, we must slow our pace and take notice of the loved ones in our presence, there by intent, remembering with them the design that has captured us and given meaning to our lives.

GOHU Research...Just Because

In Robert Cialdini's book, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, he cites Eleen Langer's interesting research that found that people are more likely to comply with requests and do people favors if the request is followed by the word "because."

She had people cut to the front of a long line at the copy machine in the library and ask to be allowed to make copies before all the people who had been waiting in line for a while to make copies. The study found that 94% of people acceded to the request when it was followed by the phrase "because I am in a rush." while only 60% acceded to the request with a reason given. But what was really amazing was that when the reason was changed to "because I have to make some copies," nearly as many (93%) acceded as with the "I'm in a rush" reason.

Professor Cialdini suggests that we are programmed socially to accede to request when reasons are offered.

He who has ears, let him hear.

I always entertain great hopes. ~ Robert Frost

In our honest journey, we must admit life is often difficult and painful. But these facts do not describe all of life, and they do not determine how we respond. The sun rises warm and bright after a cold and dark night. The open, generous smile of a small child reaches into the soft part of us all. To be strong and hardy men on this path, we must be truthful about the pain and unfairness in life while holding firmly to a belief in all the generous possibilities.

Surrendering to despair, we trade the uncertainty of options for the certainty of gloom. Then we might say, "At least I'm never disappointed this way." Life isn't filled only with difficulty and pain. It is also filled with people whose dignity and spirit rise above their circumstances. There are situations when great sacrifice or love and wisdom turn a problem into an opportunity and strength. If we look at what has happened in our own lives and in those of others, we have ample reason to hope.

Living Your Priorities

"Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now." ~ Goethe

Here is a simple way to get in touch with your priorities. Imagine that you have an incurable illness and are given six months to live. As the doctors inform you of their findings, see yourself accepting your imminent mortality with the resolve, "I am going to spend the last months of my life living to the fullest, doing those things that are truly important to me." Then imagine yourself living out those six months in the manner in which you have decided.

Afterwards, note your experience. During your remaining days, what did you do, who did you see, and where did you go? What do these choices say about what is really important to you - your values and priorities? Are you living them today? If you are not, you may want to learn from Tony's story.

After being diagnosed with AIDS, Tony decided to embrace life. He bought a house, planted a garden, and nurtured his important relationships. As a result, he lived the remaining three years of his life in pure joy.

The tragedy is that his life ended just as he was beginning to live. Why wait for a life threatening experience to motivate you to take action? Confront your fears and pursue what brings you happiness and joy.

There is no better time than now.

"To the extent that we want something from someone, to that exact degree we will be in pain." ~ Joan Walsh Anglund

The more I want from others, the less I seem to get. "I want what I want when I want it!" is a set-up for pain. To constantly expect and demand from others is like feeding fat to my ego. It grows large and spoiled. After a while of that expectation gluttony, I become obsessed with controlling others. Every rejection is magnified by my blaming anger. It feeds the LIE that I have an empty hole inside that must be filled by others.

When I stop expecting, demanding, and controlling, new miracles begin to happen. People actually start to move toward me. I become safe to others as they sense they can freely choose to give or not to give to me.

Dear Lord, help me to know today that all I have been needing all my life is found in You. Amen

Every human being is a problem in search of a solution. ~ Ashley Montagu

Each of us is a strong and fragile creature. We're always subject to forces outside our control, and we're learning steps for living that help us cope and rise above these problems. Our particular situation might seem special to us but in another sense, everyone's situation is a unique problem. Spiritual growth is the result of coming face to face with our own situation, feeling the brunt of our own puzzlement, recognizing no recipe will apply completely, and then trusting our loving Father God as we make unsure responses.

No school or parent can ever teach us enough to smooth our search for solutions. We become complete human beings by living through the muddle, by truly trusting our connections with God and other people to carry us along until we find clarity again. We progress into adulthood when we meet our own particular life crises. We learn to see we have this process in common with every human being. Rather than resist our problems, we band together with others and pool our strength to find solutions.

Dear Lord, help me see my problems today as opportunities for spiritual growth. Amen

I've never made so many women cry...

So, on Wednesday, February 14, from 8AM-5PM, I was running all over east Dallas, Mesquite, and downtown Dallas doing Singing Valentines with three other guys from the Vocal Majority. This is a tradition for quartets and choruses in the Barbershop Harmony Society. We do it every year and there are actually quartets available in all 50 states and even some international countries. Anyway, we had a big time. We sang for 13 different people, at office buildings, homes, a nursing facility, etc. We even managed to fit in a few freebies. We sang for our breakfast at Barbec's, dropped by my CPA's office and sang to his secretary - hey! Tax season is coming and I need every little edge I can get! - and (this shouldn't surprise you at all) we even sang for free coffee at Starbucks!